Our President’s Response

I received an email today containing the following letter. I cannot confirm that Mr. Ford is real or that he wrote the letter. Really, that does not matter.

Dear President Obama,

Thank you for helping my neighbors with their mortgage payments. You know the ones down the street who in the good times refinanced their house several times and bought SUV’s, ATV’s, RV’s, a pool, a big screen, two Wave Runners and a Harley. But I was wondering, since I am paying my mortgage and theirs, could you arrange for me to borrow the Harley now and then?

Richard Ford
Queen Creek, AZ

P.S. They also need help with their credit cards, when do you want me to start making those payments?

P.P.S. I almost forgot – they didn’t file their income tax return this year. Should I go ahead and file for them or will you be appointing them to cabinet posts?

It does not matter if this is a real letter because it encapsulates the feelings of ordinary citizens who, for example, take up the small commitment to show up and be counted at their local Tea Party.

It also provides me an opportunity to create a reply such as Our President might make if he were an honest man:

Dear Richard,

Thank you for your thoughtful and community oriented letter. I am gratified to know that both hope and change have come to Queen Creak.

The residents of the other 56 states (and the District of Columbia) are similarly proud of the funds they have had forcibly taken transferred to Arizona to aid you and your neighbors alike.

You’ll be happy to know your elected representatives managed to get $216 million dollars in earmarks for Arizona porkjects [sic]. I admit this is a small portion of a $410 billion dollar bill, and I agree it does not include all those special spending projects in the stimulus bill that were not pork by definition. In any case, we don’t even really understand them all yet since we haven’t read the bill.

Still, taxpayers all over the country are helping Arizona to study commuter rail systems ($97.3M+), examine the Colorado River basin and Southern Arizona water rights ($28M) and initiate Phoenix airport taxiway initiative initiatives ($4M). All this benefit is brought to you courtesy of the general government returning some of the money Arizonans have sent to us here in the Beltway. You are one of the very few individuals to write me in active support of the transfer of both wealth and responsibility so that all our communities can be organized identically.

That brings me to a question that should be answered before I invite you the the White House for the arugula planting ceremony in the Obamagarten at the next full moon. As I read your words out loud, streaming by on the teleprompter, they sound sincere to me and to the focus group; but Michelle wants to know if you are being sarcastic. If so, why do you object to supporting your neighbors when the wider community so obviously supports you?

You had the identical opportunity to obtain SUVs, multiple vacation properties, and/or a liposuction and breast augmentation for Mrs. Ford as did your neighbors. Is the community at fault for your lack of organization?

It is certainly gratifying to know that your neighbors “bought American” when they purchased a Harley-Davidson motorcycle. What could be more representative of the freedom of Americans than to conspicuously consume a vehicle they couldn’t afford, produced by industry yet to beg for a bailout?

As to the credit card payments… … …

You may be aware that I have asked for special authority to seize, at the whim of the Treasury Secretary, any businesses involved in finance. That is, somehow taking in money and then spending it in some way. (I do note you neglect to identify your employer. (8=]) ). In short, unless your neighbor’s credit cards are issued by a religion corporation that strictly observes a ban on charging interest, your neighbors will not have to worry about any increase in the balances they ran up due to the actions of greedy Wall Street kulaks operating as if they couldn’t fail because they knew Dubya and I would bail them out. As soon as arrangements are complete, I will let you know where to send the checks. We think these payments should be denominated in Euros or perhaps SDRs (Special Drawing Rights) to avoid confusion for the Chinese – from whom we are awaiting instruction.

You raise an interesting point regarding your neighbor’s income tax. To answer your second question first, our diversity quota for tax cheat cabinet positions is oversubscribed, and while I’m sure Secretary Geithner would welcome the company (since he’s knocking about that huge building by himself and can’t even answer the phone calls), people just like your neighbors are getting really peeved about other peoples’ income. These mental special olympians Some of them just voted to confiscate money they had approved only a month ago. Congress is in a volatile mood, so I do not think we can add your neighbors to the Treasury Department. I am, however, checking with the TSA and ACORN for open positions.

We must remember that it is possible that your neighbors simply find the income tax forms intellectually overwhelming. In this regard, I know that Secretary Geithner found Turbo-Tax™ to be useful and quite able to be overridden forgiving. I also know that some versions allow preparation of more than one return per household.

Technically your neighbors are not “in your household,” and using the software for them may be a violation of the contract you clicked through. But, as you point out, you are “in” their household to the extent that you’re paying for their house. So, if you could offer to prepare their taxes for them it would save the government the cost of tracking them down and perhaps reduce your own tax burden – a “Whinge, Whinge,” as we like to say in the Oval Office.

So, please ask them to bring you the Manolo Blahnik shoebox containing their financial information so that you can help them and Your Government. I am quite confident you will carefully screen their deductions since you will have assumed legal responsibility as their tax preparer and their payments may potentially affect your own future tax liability (wink, wink).

Again, thank you for your letter. Michelle and I have a bet on whether you are sincere or mocking. I must say I hope you don’t let me down, since my bet is 8 hours weeding in the dominatrix garden.

Yours in hopychanginess,

Barack Obama and Teleprompter 3
The White House